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Obligatory Coachella post




A conversation that was had 4 minutes ago:

"Brian: what the FUCK
we're going
we're going. that's it
"


California, here we come? But yeah maybe I can pitch my informercial idea to Paul if I go? But on a whole, the line up equals drool, and I'm pretty sure All Points West 2: "No Radiohead for 2 nights so no dice for Ryan" won't even compete unless they get Radiohead for 2 Nights again, a reunited Pavement, a reunited Smiths, or a reunited Neutral Milk Hotel, or the corpses of George Harrison, Biggie, Buddy Holly, and Hendrix somehow are re-animated and play APW.

10 Celebs I'd like to co-host an infomercial with

A couple weeks ago I stumbled upon a youtube clip of American Icon, Mr. T co-hosting an infomercial for the FlavorWave and T pities fools and is amazed that as his taste buds go wild as he eats a ribeye steak that is flavor waved in 16 minutes. Other celebs like the Hulkster, Donald Trump, Jack Lalane, and even Richard Simmons! Now while some may think it might be a bit rash to start thinking of celebs to co-host an infomercial with me when I don't even have an invention to sell on said infomercial (maybe NFL apron jerseys) though but I think if I have a celebrity co-host, maybe just maybe it will drive me to come up with an idea worthy of an infomercial that allows me to share the screen with said celeb.

10) The Stallionaires


Video Hits One Televisions own Stationaires, Real and Chance of multiple reality show fame could possibly make great co-hosts as infomercial would not only double as advertising for my product but their forthcoming album which includes the theme to their latest reality show, Real Chance of Love entitled Does She Love Me! Could you imagine the ladies in the audience swooning while they preform their hit and hawk my product, it'll be awesome. Also Chance is like a higher evolved Flavor Flav, just imagine the possibilities.

9)Ben Stiller as Bruce Springsteen

Okay, I'd really like Bruce but I love Stiller's impersonation from the Ben Stiller show and between the hype for Working on a Dream, The Oscar snub for the song from the Wrestler, and the Super Bowl performance, some might not realize that's Stiller doing the Boss and it's not the Boss himself as Bruce is everywhere lately.

8)Leah Remini

I really don't like King of Queens, some could say I kind of hate it so all I would do throughout the infomercial is try to get Leah to reminisce what it was like to play Zach Morris' summer time fling, Stacy Carosi while they worked together at the Malibu Sands Beach Club. I'd provide my own anecdotes about the summers I spent working at a Tennis & Swimming Club and how that half season of Saved by the Bell at the Malibu Sands was kind of like it but not really.

7) Koko B Ware

With the depressing aspect of The Wrestler which shows that the SuperStars of 80s need work, the high flying Koko and his bird, Frankie could be an attainable co-hosts for my infomercial.

6) Ken Marino

I'm just a really big fan of Marino from all the way back to The State and he plays a music producer in the Rock N Roll-a-coaster in MGM Studios in Disney, and all my friends seem to love that ride.

5) Paul McCartney


This is a bit of a stretch but imagine if you are flipping through the channels and the greatest living member of the Beatles was selling something, would you buy it? I know about 19 people who would.

4) Kristen Schaal

She's the best on everything she does (Flight of the Conchords, The Daily Show, Penelope The Princess of Pets), I think she'd be the best at co-hosting an infomercial.

3) Terry O'Quinn

Wheelchairs, knives, compasses, unloaded guns, and the idea of faith and dynasty are among things I could sell with John Locke as my co-host.


2) Avon Barksdale (of The Wire) (pictured with Stringer Bell)

For a time, Avon was the king of East Baltimore and if he can move crack, then he can move any product I'm selling, right?


1) Tracy Morgan

Was there any doubt ?

Kanye West - Sneaker Designer? Lil Wanye - Autotuned Rock Metal Star?


A message from kwest on Vimeo.

Kanye's gone and lost it, Martin Louie The King JR? Really, Mr. Louie Vuttion Don? Well, at least he's not making a rock record like Lil Wayne (Prom Queen is on the internets at Midnight on Tuesday) with auto tune which is totally different than Kanye's autotune record that I still insist is really good. By the way I'd like to see an autotune off between Weezy and Bon Iver, I got money on Justin Vernon. Could Weezy record a record in a log cabin in Minnesota? I dunno but Prom Queen is pretty bad, don't quit your day job Mr. Carter cause Biggie and Pac wouldn't have made a rock record but Jay kind of, sort of did. Regardless I kind of like the red on red Kanye kicks but they probably will be a million jillon dollars, maybe my tax return will cover them.

If Pets ruled the world (imagine that)


Take a look into a world if our Pets all rose up and became Military Officers. One suggestion for Pets In Uniform, set the video should really be set to Nas's If I Ruled The World instead of the creepy X-Mas music, I think you may be able to get more customers for your photoshop business, just sayin'.
(via Suzy)

My Little Pony - now featuring Vice President Biden as Heart Throb



Joe Biden's new My Little Pony inspired hairstyle. I think he's trying to be the coolest VP since Levi Morton.
(by way of my co-worker Thomas via The Onion)

Letters from Ryan - Arrested Development edition



Dear Mitch Hurwitz and the cast of AD,

Make the movie! Don't make the movie! I don't care, all of you were apart of the greatest sitcom in the history of television and a movie won't change that (but we all miss the Bluths.) The Spring Break episode from Season 2 brings it -it makes me kind of like Zach Braff as never nude instead of him being a Zach Braff for a change, makes me want Ron Howard to narrate my life, I probably would be on Men with Low Self Esteem with my linus, would like to challenge Lucile 1 to drinking contest, and I plan on taking off Spring Break this year like the Bluth family does.

See you at Spring Break by the Banana Stand,
Ryan

I'm not sick and tired of hearing about this guy



This video has it all: Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone, Salisbury Steaks, and most importantly - my favorite fictitious pitcher "The Rocket," Chet Steadman. I think I'm gonna go break my arm now and get some sage like advice from a washed up pitcher who if he was on the juice would have had a career resurgence instead of having to coach little league, just sayin'.

Kids rework Heartbreaker for Steelers, I do it for the Giants



Where was this last year? Like change the little kids into Giants jerseys, change the lyrics to this I dunno "Cowboys or Patriots haters," a mention of maybe Eli, Strahan and Osi, pre gun shoot wound Plaxico, etc, etc.

It's not that hard to rework Pat Benatar, ever I can do it -
Our defense is tidal wave
spilling over your head
drowning you in big blue
the color you should dread

Got the right kind of players
to deliver Spag's strategy
The invincible winners the New York Giants will always be

We're the G-Men
you'll be dead
seeing red
Don't you mess with Giant D

Jacobs will set the filed on fire
running out of control
Eli throws a ball to Plaxico
and it cross the goal

Got a red hot offense
and a top defense in the league

The invincible winner
the New York Giants will always be

We're the Pats haters
Ring Takers
Shame Makers
Don't you mess with Giant D

We're the Pats haters
Ring Takers
Shame Makers
To Zona it will be

we're the G-Men
you'll be dead
seeing red
Don't you mess with Giant D

We're the Pats haters
Ring Takers
Shame Makers heartbreaks
Don't you mess with Giant D

We're the Pats haters heartbreakers
Ring Takers heartbreakers
heartbreakers

(NY GIANTS)

Yeah, I'm still a little bitter but at least I'm not this dude (GO STEELERS I GUESS).

Jack The Ripper Chic?



So I got this from the ridiculous blog of Kanye West with all it's oddball references that "Ye" is posting on the interwebs on his macbook air. While I do think I dress okay for myself most of the time, did I lose track nad the serial killer by way of London circa 1888 look in right now? Well, we shall find out as apparently come Fall 2009 when Alexander McQueen rolls out is new line.

High Five Inaugurartion (:high five:)


Mostly for Brian for his love of high fives, but I'll take high taxes and high budgets if the next four years have an overwhelmingly high amount of high fives. That's a lot of highs in a sentence, someone give me a high five!

Bacon? Maple flavored? Donut? Sign me up




Okay, I stumbled upon the website for Voodoo doughnuts in Portland, Oregon and found what could possibly be the greatest in American innovation in the field of breakfast ever. Surprisingly, the people of anicid.com aren't really feeling my sentiment as they are split on whether or not to try the doughnut. Mr. Anicid.com 2002 to 2008, Brian DeOliveira and formally clean shaven bagel eating champion, Dennis "Bagel Fest 06 Champ" Holden (both whom I polled prior to asking the web community based on a fictional superhero of Brian's childhood) are two who aren't in favor of my new favorite breakfast treat. Brian can be quoted as saying "bacon donut: ugh, no, cocoa puff donut: OMGWTFABSOFUCKINGLUTELY" as he would like to merge cereal with donuts (and he's still ducking me in our cereal eating competition by the way) and Dennis' comment could not be heard as he had a mouth full of bacon filled cream cheese and it sounded like "bacnnn doooognught noo thanks, only bacnnnn cream cheesssee."

What I should have been doing the last 2.7 days



We're over this Obamauguration thing, right? (JK you guys, JK) but Lost is back tomorrow night and animositypierre.com made this incredible video about what if you watched all 4 seasons of Lost in a 2.7 days (the exact time that it would take to watch all four season). All the majors who died are mentioned (but not Mac from It's Always Sunny aka the best guest spot ever on Lost), Henry Gale is Ben Linus thing, the hatch, dinosaurs, Driveshaft's you all everybody, etc, etc are mentioned in the clip so spoilers y'all.

But anyways, this wait from last May has been long enough, I CAN'T WAIT GUYS, CAN'T WAIT. So to quote my favorite tragic hero who has daddy issues, lost his razor, is popping pills, listening to the Pixies, and likes to spend his time on airplains:

"Something something we have to go back freckles, we have to go back."
- Grunge Jack Shepard

Goodbye George W, I'll miss you.

We only have a couple more minutes left of the 8 year presidency of W, let's soak it all in with this tribute via Letterman on the Late Show last night.



My favorite part is GWB dropping his Scottie, Barney. I hope Barack doesn't drop the dog that he promised his girls on Election Night and made an entire nation go "awwwwweeee."

My Super Bowl Picks are based on mascots and the company they keep

Super XXLIII - The NFC Champions, Arizona Cardnals versus the AFC Champions, The Pittsburgh Steelers or....


BIG RED & The Black Eyed Peas


VS.

STEELY MCBEAM who's helping save the world with a guy with a ponytail



Who you got?

Fleet Foxes on SNL

So how good were Fleet Foxes on SNL on Saturday? Probably the best thing on the show all season to be frank with you guys (and that's considering all the Palin skits with Tina Fey, Paul Rudd, NPH, Marky Marc taking to animals, et al.) Here's the performances for Mykonos and Blue Ridge Mountains and unless Bill Murray hosts this season, I don't see anything topping these this.



Elephants and Dogs can be friends too (just an excuse for me to post dog in elephant costumes)



So I'm stealing this from Suzy but not only because it's all kinds of odd couple adorable but because what if they mated? Not just the dog and elephant in the video but any elephant and dog, or more importantly what if a dog wore an elephant costume?

Pugephant?


Elephant sized dog?


Boston Terrierphant?


Babyphant? Wait that's a human, my bad.


Huskyphant?

2009 Goals - To remake the Victory video

So last weekend I was kind of obsessed with the video for Journey's Seperate Ways and on my to do list was to make a remake of said video, but of course the internet always beats me to it and this was made!

So I got to thinking and as you know I've been obsessed with Biggie of late, and have been LOVING BIG's verses in Puffy's Victory off the No Way Out record, and as perfect as Biggie's verses are, the video is even more PERFECTER (which isn't a word so be it). So I'm going to re-create the video as seen below sometime this year and it's gonna be something else I'll tell you.



So for this remake I will need -
- Someone to play Danny Devito's reporter character.
- Someone to play Dennis Hopper's President Victor Castiglione character
- Someone to play Busta Rhyme's feathered gargoyle character to spit "We got the real live shit from from to back, to my people in the world..." line.
- Someone to play the ghost of Biggie, or even better if I can get the ghost of Biggie. So maybe I'll be able some how get the ghost of the Notorious BIG without doing the Biggie Smalls thing on South Park and he doesn't kill me, I have a chance!
- Sunglasses
- A leather duster
- A set to re-create the year 3002 which is still almost a thousand years away.
- A Swat team to chase me around.
- A truck to almost run me down.
- A harem of good looking video girls and suave looking guys to hang out with President Victor Castiglione.
- An explosion machine.
- A fake rain machine.
- Statues for my Busta to perch on during the chorus.
- A possible stunt double for me if I'm not able to do the stunts that Puffy's stunt double did in the video, even though if Puffy did his stunts so will I.
- The amount of money that it cost to make the original, 2.7 million dollars. Maybe I can do it on $270, I won't come off like P Diddy though.

Still we can make this a joint effort and re-create the Victory video, it would be a very proud day for all of us. So to quote Puffy, "what are we gonna do now?"

PS -
If you want in, please submit what you'd like to do in the comments section.

Conan, The Robot, and Me



I'll be the first one to admit that I've watched an unhealthy amount of football this year due to dollar beers, half off bar food, and the NFL Sunday ticket that my football bar provides, and since I'm a Giants fan I've seen watched way too many games on Fox and have had to deal with that stupid robot more than I would like to. He's on the NFL games, the MLB games, probably on 24 too so I've probably ranted about him more than a normal person should have during the past 5 months or so because normally I like robots but not this one with as Conan puts it, his shucking and jiving. Couldn't Fox finding a classier, less futuristic gimmick to welcome people back to the game instead of stock footage and robots? Does CBS have an animated Phil Simms? Does ESPN have cartoon dogs? Does NBC have Tiki Barber? Oh my bad, they do. Anyway, Conan "sticks it to him" to the robot who is aptly named Cletus and it was pretty "lol." Also I think that I'm switching watching a unhealthy amount of football to an unhealthy amount of Conan, especially since he'll be taking over the Tonight Show in a couple of minutes.

Starter Jackets, a retrospective

Okay anyone who was anyone in Grade School had a Starter Jacket, so I was someone in grade school with like 3 or 4 different Starter Jackets but when I hit middle school with my satin Rangers jacket, it was made fun of and that was the end of Ryan and his starter jacker phase. Question is was it a pull over Starter or the satin button up?

A couple of quality Starter jackets for all you to reflect on, reminess on, or even wear now as it is Starter pullover weather; and you know if you're wearing the S, you'll probably be the envy of all your friends.

The Denver Broncos Pullover-


The teal Detroit Pistons Satin -


The Saint Louis Blues Pullover-


The California Angels Satin -


The Florida Panters pullover -


The Milwaukee Bucks Satin -


The Notre Dame Pullover (possibly worn by Dennis Holden) -


The Detroit Lions Satin -


The Toronto Raptors Pullover -


The very understated LA Rams satin -


The New York Knicks Pullover -


The Edmonton Oilers satin -


The Utah Jazz pullover -


The Miami Dolphin Satin -


The Hartford Whalers pullover -


Now these are available on the Ebay and for decent prices, so if you don't mind wearing vintage starter jackets worn by god knows who, I'd consider bidding on these if I was you since a Starter jacket are the warmest jacket known to man and it's pretty cold out there right about now.

Letters from Ryan - Golden Globe Edition

Dear Hollywood foreign press,

Thanks for getting it right! 30 Rock! Mickey Rourke! Mad Men! Tina Fey! Alec Baldwin! Ledger! It's okay about NPH, at least Piven and the rest of the Entourage didn't take home anything.

Here are my three favorite things about the Golden Globes -

Tina Fey keeping up her bestness in the nine.


Tracy Morgan, White Diner Jacket, live microphone, thank you Barack.


Mikey Rourke looking only like someone who starred in a film called The Wrestler could look, please bring back the outfit for the Oscars.


Thanks again for getting it right,
Ryan

Playoff beard wars: Andy Reid versus Me

ANDY REID's PLAYOFF BEARD


vs.
RYAN's PLAYOFF BEARD


Okay - I have a beard that I normally trim once/twice a week depending on how the level of my general apathy towards the act of shaving is during said week. But like a hockey player or a certain doctor with daddy issues who crashed onto a deserted island became the leader of the survivors, cried a lot, got off the island, and abandoned his razor after blabbering about having to go back , I've abandoned my electric razor and regular razor for a playoff beard that'd make Kyle "Neckbeard" Orton kind of proud in support of the G-Men. I did it last year with Brian and his cousin, NP No Problem Nick Paty, and the Giants won the Super Bowl. I haven't seen either of the cousins of Portugal/Fake Portugal in a minute so I don't know the status of their beards but I don't know if they are as superstitious as I.

But an obstacle happened in the playoff beard of '09 - Philadelphia Eagle coach and professional bumbler, Andy Reid grew his own playoff beard and his Eagles are allegedly the hottest team in the whole world because he may have heard about the success of my beard last year. Say what you will about Andy Reid - that he doesn't understand when to throw a challenge, he's not really efficient in clock management, he's too busy horsing around around with Donovan to raise his own children, he likes donuts too much, etc but the man grew a playoff beard. And so did I, so this Sunday after all is said and done, it's not the Giants v. the Eagles, it's Andy's playoff beard versus mine and my 1990 Super Bowl championship shirt. I'm not ready to shave yet Reid, are you?

2009 Goals - To be as ripped as the Flight of the Conchords guys



Are Jermaine and Brett the new Zach and Slater? Ripped dudes who make me realize we're 9 days in the new year and I haven't been to the gym yet? Probably not at least I'll have Flight of the Conchords back on the HBO in a week and a couple of days to have visual evidence that these guys aren't on the juice and have roughly the same physique as me. But if they take off their shirts on the show and they look like that: it's the gym for Ryan, and whatever FotC are taking - it can't all be red deliciouses and kababs in their diet, right?

(pic via BWE)

Lets face it, we're all going to see it



The Notorious bio-pic movie is out next week, I'm seeing it, you're seeing it, let's not deny it. So get your Biggie records out, still amazing, still in my top whatever of all time list. Oh yeah spoiler alert, 2 Pac dies, BIG dies, etc, etc.

Watch out Woody Paige, Weezy is coming for your job


Lil Wayne, the man behind my ninth favorite record of 2008? Skip Bayless, crazy sports taking head extraordinaire? Arguing the NFL Playoffs? Can someone please tell me why did I go to work today and/or not DVR First and Ten on ESPN? Seriously though, this is the best thing that's happened so far in the Nine as Lil Wayne argues more coherently than half those dudes on all the other shows where all they do is point and scream about sports and I'd pay to have him on ESPN for half the year and the other half do his rap career.

On the topic of crazy sports talking/shouting/screaming, I'm gonna be a guest again on the Dennis Holden presents The Money Pit on dmoneymania.com/itunes sometime at the end of the week to talk the divisional round of the NFL playoffs. You all best listen, I went 3 for 4 on our Wild Card picks while the man got slapped went 2 for 4, I'm gonna school him again this week.

2009 goals -To Become the most uncooridinated American Gladiators contestant in the history of American Gladiators

Being sick has it's advantages, like being able to simultaneously listen to the new Animal Collective and watch American Gladiators on ESPN Classic. Now if you all know three things about me - I've worn what could pass as an American Gladiators costume for Halloween in 08, I'm more competitive than I have any right to be, and I'm not the most coordinated person around to say the least. So I'm pondering what American Gladiators would I thrive in the most?


Could it be the Joust? I don't think so as joust is all about momentum, and a jacked up gladiator should be able to get more momentum out of the his jousting stick than me.


Powerball (taken from the NES American Gladiators game)? I think I might have a shot here if the Gladiators didn't take me too seriously and double teamed my opponent a few times during the minute or so of powerball, I might be able to get anywhere between 5 or 7 points.


Breakthrough and Conquer? Football? One of my few note worthy skills on the football field is that I can make people miss in the open field (but that was wasted playing defensive line for the most part) so I think I got the break through part down but with no amateur wrestling experience I'm not sure how I'd fare in conquer. Maybe I could bust out a frankensteiner or leap frog the Gladiator but I'm not sure if that's legal in Conquer.


So a couple of my friends seem to think that I'd fare best in Assault. Why you ask? Because it's "the one where you have to run around and hide behind the obstacles and shoot the balls up." I'm implying that they think that's what I would do best on the show which is run around and hide like a child. Maybe they are right, but maybe they are wrong, I dunno.


I really think I could outlast most of my friends on the Eliminator - I can do the treadmill, I think I can get through the hand bike, and if I don't fall running the spinning cylinders, it's all gravy - I can climb the net, I can for sure do the zip line, and before you know it - I'd finish the Eliminator.

So there you have in it a couple of American Gladiators events that I might be able to handle. (maybe?) Could American Gladiators be in my future? If it comes back in 2009, maybe, maybe.

Coughing in the New Year

Okay so 2009 is here and I've been stuck in bed coughing for most of it!


While I didn't ring in the New Year with Urkel and Michael Strahan like Charles Barkley did, I didn't get the opportunity to get a sweat DUI/Mugshot like Sir Charles did either. I did on the other hand become part of TEAM BEST MAN (with Brian) and cashed in my slap bet with Dennis (video on the facebook) so thank you Detroit Lions for sucking but not sucking that badly. So 2009 - 2 points for Ryan, 0 for Charles Barkley. Look out Chuck, I'm gonna take your job on TNT by playoff time.

PS -
Just so you know, this is the start of my feud with Charles Barkley, 2009 is gonna be all about Ryan v. Barkley.